It started as a pretty simple realization.
I constantly fail to live up to my expectations of myself. I envision myself as a failure, and engage in a lot of negative self-talk with regard to my perceived failures. I eat too much sugar. I'm too fat. I don't bring my own bags to the grocery store. I don't meditate every day. It's been a month since I've even looked at my yoga mat. I really should write more. I don't play with my kid enough. I should WANT to play cars on the floor. I don't want to play cars on the floor. Hide and Seek is fun for about five minutes, period. I don't walk the dog enough. I pick at my face too much- it makes my skin break out. I should cook more homemade meals. I should be knitting more. I should practice the violin- I don't have any music in my life. I don't do enough "cultural" things. I am not working out right. I should drink more water. I should buy more organic food. My house should be clean. I should have more (organic, homecooked) dinner parties. And on, and on, and on.
The realization that I came to was this: I have a lot of third-party accreditations: I have run marathons and triathlons. I am a black belt in Martial Arts. I have finished a half-ironman competition. I have a cute kid and a supportive husband. I have a juris doctorate from Harvard Law School. I have made it through the most difficult and rigorous selection and training process in America, to become an officer in the military. I have acquitted myself well in every billet to which I have been assigned. And I realized, if I feel like a failure from the moment I wake up, IT CAN'T JUST BE ME.
As I began to talk to other women, friends, relatives, strangers, I discovered something. It is an increasingly universal and deeply perplexing phenomenon among modern women: the sneaky feeling of failure. Whether it's the ivy-league educated attorney that served neon colored store-bought cupcakes for her child's birthday celebration (not home made? Not organic? Really???), or the stay-at-home mom who just can't figure out how to apply her B.S. in Political Science to the Parent Teacher Organization, women are constantly beset by the feeling that they are not doing everything they "should" be doing.
I decided to write a book, and in it examine a number of areas in which the modern woman may feel like a failure (the workplace, the workout, the home, pregnancy, being "green", etc), the origins of the modern woman's expectations of herself, and why we wake up every day feeling like we are already behind.
In conjunction, I have started this blog. The purpose of this blog is twofold. First, as a place of sharing our experiences and hopefully achieving my favorite feeling of "holy shit, it's not just me." Second, as a gathering place for our stories and thoughts, that I will use (with your permission!) in my book "The Modern Failure."
I want to hear from you. I want to gather your stories. Thank you for reading.
Dude I so feel you.
ReplyDeleteInteresting idea. Being a slacker, I went to journalism school instead of Harvard Law, but I'd be happy to lend an editor's eye to what you come up with, and possibly contribute a few of my own personal failures to the pile.
ReplyDeleteI read your first paragraph to my boyfriend and he thought I wrote it about myself! (I edited out the bits about having children.)
ReplyDeleteWell I have found it incredibly helpful and important to learn to separate reality from my fantasies about who I "should" be....this is the only thing that keeps me sane!
ReplyDeleteI am a USAF combat medal vet who came out as honor grad in all her tech schools, including Leadership School. Mom of four... I did actually do all those Mom things... tired as shit, but I did them anyway. Homemade bread, boxing gloves with the boys, hockey, football. But, I failed with my girls... I did not do sports with them.. we were all about being smart and reading and learning... I failed, because I did not give them the physical life I was exposed to as a kid... I played ice hockey, baseball, softball, basketball and was still an A student... not because I was forced, but because that is the way I was made... I started working at 14 and never stopped. Of my four kids, one was like me and he dropped out of school and is currently in Kuwait with the Michigan National Guard (Army). I coulda kicked his butt for not going USAF, like me or his Dad or even USMC like his grandparents on his Dad's side. But he made his choice and I respect that. Some of my 'Mom' things have rubbed off on my kids... yes, all four. They are wonderful cooks because the one thing I could do was involve them in my "outside" job of baking (to earn extra money) and I encouraged them to be my helpers. They all looked at me and I always had a book in my hand so I have four voracious readers... I could not afford to send them to college and I feel I failed in that respect, but I suceeded in having smart kids who can take care of themselves. Now me? I could be better groomed, but I am not and I have grown comfortable with that. I am exceptionally good at what I do and they are now used me. I am a straight talker and do not hesitate to correct an error. I am always nice, but my goal is to make things right and teach. People feel I pick on them because I don't sugarcoat everything. Sorry, this America is so damned sugar coated now, it is a wonder kids learn anything at all. You gotta be at the short end of the stick once in a while to appreciate being the winner... this America scares me... And yes, I have touched on many topics and all of them have to do with being a female in this world... we can make the difference if we just stop looking in the mirror and trying to be an actress we aren't. We are who we are and our job is to serve as the best example we can and give our kids the best opportunities we can. And maybe if more females looked at themselves the way their kids might see them... it would be instinctive to be healthier... I have seen tons of 'skinny' gals who could use some fat just to bring them to life. They are like dime store dummies.... what a shame, what a waste. I am sure I have exceeded everything here... blangea@yahoo.com title your email Modern Failure or I am likely to miss is
ReplyDelete^this chick posted your blog on fb. I sooooo can relate to what's going on in your head. A few years ago I was dating someone who looked kinda good on paper....like had a good job....good sense of business....etc....but wasn't what I wanted & working in a job that paid well....looked good on a resume...but wasn't what I wanted.
ReplyDeleteThen I woke up and said what Tue f*@k am I doing. Two years later I'm fulfilling my dream of playing roller derby....meeting awesome women & men of various teams. Working in an industry that I love (amusement).
It was only when I got to the point that I had nothing to loose that I really gained a lot.
*correction.....Katie's fb page. Whom is a super cool chick from the west coast whom I key from derby.
ReplyDeleteThe way to a man's heart is through his stomach. It wasn't Eve's body, it was the apple itself that tempted Adam. Maybe he was hungry.
ReplyDeleteTalk about feeling like a failure, and your still in your what 30's, maybe 40's. Wait till you hit 50 and you are laid off and single again. You have all these amazing accomplishments, life experiences, and you don't feel like a failure anymore, but no one wants to hire you. Where to start over? What to do? How do I do this on my own now?
ReplyDeleteinteresting topic! excited to see where you end up with this!
ReplyDeleteI really like your blog. I started my Thought Blog not too long ago because I had so many thoughts running through my mind that I just had to get out. Plus, I wanted to get more perspective from others.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea for your book. Feel free to browse my blog and refer to any posts in your book.
As for me, I, too, suffer from feeling like a failure. I didn't use to be like this, but noticed a change once blogs and Facebook came into my life. It seemed as though I was constantly surrounded by people who appeared to have perfect lives. I constantly compared myself to them.
I also noticed a lot of "what if" scenarios swirling in my brain as I reconnected to people from my past via Facebook. I has been an interesting phenomena for me as I struggle to rediscover myself in an ever-increasing social networking world.
Anyway, check out my blog: www.emilysthoughtblog.blogspot.com
I love it. I do not think of myself as a failure but as someone who is still trying to reach their goals. S@#$ has always been put on my plate and for some reason I am always able to make it taste good. Life is what you make are able to make it. Reality is.....life sucks. I wanted to do so many things in my life....adopt children, go to foreign countries and educate children, etc. WHat happened to those goals you ask?? Reality set in. I became a mother and a military wife. My husband is never home and life is what it is. I teach at a middle school and come home depressed EVERY day. I am so upset with parents, teachers and most of all the administration. We are raising lazy, over weight and uneducated children who think for some reason we OWE them somehting. We owe them food, clothing and shelter. The rest is a blessing. They get free education and yet the cry about everything and make excuses. The parents are terrible and help the children make excuses. I seriously do not think of myself as a failure but as someone who is surviving in the life that is failing me. That is what it is really about today. You are not failing in your life either but look at is as life and other people in it are failing you. Your expectations are not being met because nobody else is making that happen. Hold your head up!!
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